love

Unconditional Love

February 9, 2018 by Amy Allen Meyer

Has anyone in your life ever loved you unconditionally? For most of us, the answer is likely no, but hopefully, for many, yes.

Unconditional love is loving a child, no matter what. There are no strings attached. There is nothing they have to do to earn our love. We should make it available for the taking. That kind of love can assure a child’s growth to his full and complete potential. If our children feel and know we value them for who they are, they have the self-worth and potential to take flight and soar. The closer we get to loving them in this special way, the more fulfilled they are.

This is acceptance and it means to neither condemn nor condone. To condemn is to criticize and disapprove. It is an attack or a slam. Conversely, to condone is to overlook, ignore, disregard or excuse. This means we simply acknowledge his reality even if it’s not ours. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if all parents could give this kind of acceptance to their children.

Some children do not feel loved. Does that mean their parents don’t love them? Not at all. I honestly have never encountered a parent that doesn’t love their child. This just means that they are not able to show their kids they love them in a way that is meaningful to them. If they don’t feel it, then we have to figure out other ways to convey our love.

So you might be asking how you convey this kind of love to them? If you know your children well, you know they feel our love in different ways. Some children are touchy-feely and thrive on our physical affection. On the other hand, some kids do not respond to that form of love. They might need it in the way of wrestling. It’s our job to take our cues from them and figure out the best way to meet their needs.

Some parents show love to their children by providing financially for their family and never, ever voice an “I Love You.” This parent might think that is enough, but to a child, it’s not. Or some parents might spend hours upon hours doing things for their child, but never spend any one-on-one time really connecting or being with them. Children need our undivided time.

When we value them and hold them in high regard, we communicate unconditional love to our children. This shows respect for their person. The obvious is to tell them how much we love them. Keep in mind though that our actions are much more powerful than our words. So, go ahead and tell them but demonstrate it.

Listening to their opinion, even if it’s different from ours sends a powerful message. Being available for them as they voice their thoughts and feelings and then being able to validate them sends a powerful message of their importance to us. “Wow, you seem to be learning a whole lot about religion. I can tell you’ve really been researching because you’re not sure you believe what Dad and I believe.” This just shows we get that they are getting older and able to think for themselves.

We should treat them politely and considerately. A good gauge is to ask yourself, would I speak to a friend this way? If the answer is no then don’t speak that way to your child either.

Remember, this way to love is hard to pull off all the time and for goodness’ sake, most of us can’t. But I’d like to suggest that it’s something you can strive for. We can train our brains and make even the smallest changes. Be intentional and diligent about practicing showing your kids the unconditional love you have for them. When our children have an opportunity to experience this kind of love from us, the parent-child relationship grows stronger and our kids tend to flourish.

“Nothing can replace the influence of unconditional love in the life of a child.”
– Mister Rogers

What Your Communication Says About Your Family

March 24, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

When I was growing up, my family did not really communicate. Did yours?

Oh, we talked, a little bit, but that’s different from really communicating.

Since good communication is at the foundation of any close parent-child relationship, why don’t we explore ways to be effective in that area?

Most often, when we think of communication, we think of talking. It might come as a surprise, but that’s actually the least important aspect of communicating— 7% the experts tell us. The next 23% has to do with the tone, emotion, volume and intonation in our voice. The last 70% is the largest and most significant portion of communication—the non-verbal. This is our facial expressions, eye contact, posture and gestures, which speak the loudest and contain the real truth.

Communication is connection. Healthy families share feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Our children want to be heard and understood, so how do we let them know we really hear them and convey we understand what they’re trying to tell us?

This kind of connection begins at birth. The first thing an infant uses is his senses. The way you talk to your infant as he coos at you, the way you look into his eyes and the way you smile at him are all ways that let him know you’re listening. Genuine listening is giving him your full attention. To be emotionally present means that we listen with our whole being…ears, eyes, face, body and heart. You are communicating to him how valuable he is to you. Isn’t it amazing that we can tell our infants how much we love them with our faces?

If we want our kids to share their hearts with us, they must feel secure in the parent-child relationship. We can build trust by really listening. To really listen means we don’t criticize, judge or shame. We simply listen and then reflect and validate what they said. Your child says he hates school and all of the work his teacher makes him do. A response might be “you seem pretty angry about what happened at school today.”

Does listening like this mean we agree with what is being said? Not necessarily. All it means is that I hear you and I understand. Being open-minded and sensitive to others thoughts, feelings and beliefs demonstrates we get it.

Being available, on their terms, is something many parents struggle with. We tend to want our kids to talk when it’s convenient for us. It doesn’t work that way, especially for teens.

When your children do confide in you, listen carefully and then offer them words that encourage and lift them up. “I know you will figure it out.”

What says to our kids we’re not listening? A lot, but I’ll just list a few: fiddling around with electronics, multitasking, watching TV, interrupting them while they are trying to tell us something, lecturing and nagging when they’re sharing with us, not making eye contact with them, acting bored or telling them to hurry up and get to the point, interrogating and putting them on the hot seat, asking questions and asking “why” are sure-fire ways to shut a kiddo down. Are you ever guilty of any of these?

Give some thought to your family’s communication style. Decide if there are things you need to change. If you desire a closeness and connectedness with your kids and if you want them to feel free to talk to you about matters large and small, encourage your family to communicate in ways that convey respect, love and acceptance.

There’s Always Hope,

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Is Character Lost? How to Get it Back!

December 30, 2014 by Amy Allen Meyer

You have the chance of a lifetime … the privilege to shape and mold your child’s character! You don’t have many years to do it either. Developing character is an ongoing endeavor and not something you can teach them about once. We have to be intentional in times like these, because our society makes it more and more difficult to instill these important qualities in our kids. With the internet, television and social media spewing all manner of inappropriateness, we are working against the societal grain.

We live in exciting times that point us to emerging research that confirms what I’ve always believed. When it comes to predicting our kids’ success in life, more important than intelligence is their character.

Can they self-regulate, handle disappointment and persevere?
Do they tend to have a more positive outlook on life, are they kind, caring, respectful and so on?

I happen to think that many parents today are way too focused on grades, performance, competition and scholarship possibilities more than they are in helping their kids become good humans with a strong moral compass. By the way, the spin-off of all that pressure is causing unnecessary anxiety in our children.

The optimal time to help our kids and teach them these all-important skills is during their preschool years, so start early. And, get this, during those early years it’s through play that they learn the best!

Having said that, let’s talk about what we can do to help them.

The first place to look is us. Are we modeling and living out fairness, compassion, respectfulness, honesty, love and patience or any other character quality that is important to you. Children first begin to learn about virtues from us, so we determine which traits our kids will see modeled.
It’s not enough for them to just see us live out the virtues we want them to espouse. We need to be positive and encouraging when we catch them exhibiting moral behavior. Bring it to their attention. Tell them you noticed how fair they played that board game. As we know, if we want repeat behavior, we give them the positive attention it deserves.
Teach them to serve others. Involve your family in community service activities. Churches offer many opportunities to serve and you could also show them what it’s like to be available for family and friends when they need a little help.
It’s advisable to let your sweet things struggle and even fail at times. Just think, they will get opportunities to practice managing frustrations and failures because we know that life is full of disappointments. This is one of the ways they become strong and resilient. Sell them on the idea that with effort they can improve. When they are struggling with grasping a new concept, say multiplication, encourage them as they practice until the light bulb comes on. Self-esteem and confidence is the result.
Identify their strengths and bring them to their attention. Let her know you noticed she extended forgiveness to someone that was really mean to her or that he was so patient with his annoying younger brother as he was learning a new game.

A thought to hold on to and be hopeful about … the fruits of your labor and diligence in modeling and teaching these skills will probably not be evidenced right away. You will likely see this much later and it might not be until your child is in adulthood. But don’t give up. Have faith that many kids eventually espouse the virtues your family values.

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There’s Always Hope,