parenting techniques

Discipline In Love

February 24, 2018 by Amy Allen Meyer

All children need people in their lives to direct and guide them in a loving, gentle manner. Discipline is one of the most difficult, yet most important, issues a parent has to confront. Love and discipline cannot be separated – helping a child feel loved is the first and most important part of good discipline. Without that foundation of unconditional love, any consequences or punishment used will most likely prove to be futile.

Discipline is a method of teaching and training our children to employ appropriate self-control and behavior. This is done through guidance, modeling, verbal instruction and requests, and even fun experiences. Discipline is not punishment. The better disciplined a child is, the less punishment will be required. When should discipline begin? When our children begin to tell us this is what they need. This usually happens between the first and second years of life. The following are some guidelines for effective discipline:

Limits – Our children want and need limits; they are reassuring. When thinking about limits, consider the child’s age and needs. Be certain the limits are appropriate developmentally. It would not be wise to have a bedtime of 11 p.m. for a six year old, yet 11 p.m. would be an acceptable limit for a 16 year old.
Consistency – Confusion occurs when we change our minds about what we expect. In your home, if homework is to be completed before free time begins, hold your child accountable for that each day – that means even on days when you are too tired or too busy.
Threats do not work, choices do – Everyone likes to make choices. If our children feel they’ve been included in the decision-making, the desired behavior is more likely to occur. Instead of “if you don’t clean up your room, you can’t go” rephrase that with “you can choose to clean your room and go, or you can choose not to clean your room and stay at home.”
Accept all feelings, but not all behaviors – there is not one feeling that is invalid; therefore, it is ok for children to be angry, sad, happy, etc. What is not ok is for them to act in aggressive and inappropriate ways. For example, it’s fine to be mad at a sibling, but not to physically hurt her.
When children misbehave, ask yourself what the child really needs – The easiest and usually first step we take when children misbehave is to correct their behavior. That doesn’t really solve the problem; it is only a temporary solution. Finding out why the child is misbehaving can be an important part of a permanent solution. Did you know that for a child, bad attention (misbehavior) is better than no attention at all?

No matter how well we do our parenting job, our children are going to misbehave. THIS IS INEVITABLE. There are no perfect parents around, nor are there perfect children. First, love each child unconditionally, and secondly, give loving but firm discipline in the most positive way possible. As parents, our responsibility is to love our children enough to discipline them and to provide them with the foundation they need to become responsible, loving and kind human beings.

Remember to discipline with love in your heart.

Unconditional Love

February 9, 2018 by Amy Allen Meyer

Has anyone in your life ever loved you unconditionally? For most of us, the answer is likely no, but hopefully, for many, yes.

Unconditional love is loving a child, no matter what. There are no strings attached. There is nothing they have to do to earn our love. We should make it available for the taking. That kind of love can assure a child’s growth to his full and complete potential. If our children feel and know we value them for who they are, they have the self-worth and potential to take flight and soar. The closer we get to loving them in this special way, the more fulfilled they are.

This is acceptance and it means to neither condemn nor condone. To condemn is to criticize and disapprove. It is an attack or a slam. Conversely, to condone is to overlook, ignore, disregard or excuse. This means we simply acknowledge his reality even if it’s not ours. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if all parents could give this kind of acceptance to their children.

Some children do not feel loved. Does that mean their parents don’t love them? Not at all. I honestly have never encountered a parent that doesn’t love their child. This just means that they are not able to show their kids they love them in a way that is meaningful to them. If they don’t feel it, then we have to figure out other ways to convey our love.

So you might be asking how you convey this kind of love to them? If you know your children well, you know they feel our love in different ways. Some children are touchy-feely and thrive on our physical affection. On the other hand, some kids do not respond to that form of love. They might need it in the way of wrestling. It’s our job to take our cues from them and figure out the best way to meet their needs.

Some parents show love to their children by providing financially for their family and never, ever voice an “I Love You.” This parent might think that is enough, but to a child, it’s not. Or some parents might spend hours upon hours doing things for their child, but never spend any one-on-one time really connecting or being with them. Children need our undivided time.

When we value them and hold them in high regard, we communicate unconditional love to our children. This shows respect for their person. The obvious is to tell them how much we love them. Keep in mind though that our actions are much more powerful than our words. So, go ahead and tell them but demonstrate it.

Listening to their opinion, even if it’s different from ours sends a powerful message. Being available for them as they voice their thoughts and feelings and then being able to validate them sends a powerful message of their importance to us. “Wow, you seem to be learning a whole lot about religion. I can tell you’ve really been researching because you’re not sure you believe what Dad and I believe.” This just shows we get that they are getting older and able to think for themselves.

We should treat them politely and considerately. A good gauge is to ask yourself, would I speak to a friend this way? If the answer is no then don’t speak that way to your child either.

Remember, this way to love is hard to pull off all the time and for goodness’ sake, most of us can’t. But I’d like to suggest that it’s something you can strive for. We can train our brains and make even the smallest changes. Be intentional and diligent about practicing showing your kids the unconditional love you have for them. When our children have an opportunity to experience this kind of love from us, the parent-child relationship grows stronger and our kids tend to flourish.

“Nothing can replace the influence of unconditional love in the life of a child.”
– Mister Rogers

Over-scheduling: Megan’s Story

November 25, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

You might know the phrase, “the bad news is time flies; the good news is you’re the pilot.” This is so TRUE. Luckily, we can navigate our own time and choose how we spend those moments we hold dear to our hearts. We can easily become too busy to experience life together, to share those special moments and our hearts with one another. I am a busy mother of 3 beautiful girls and my priority is to give my family the ultimate gift… each other. Giving them the “time” to truly know and understand one another and to explore life enabled them to develop STRONG relationships in our family. The key to making all of this a reality is simple—I didn’t over-schedule my family.

In today’s society, kids are overloaded with activities that are robbing them of their childhood. They are constantly on the go, trying to experience every interest that each child may have. I didn’t want to force a “theme” on my daughters at such a young age. I have noticed kids seem to act as if they are programmed when life gets too busy. I encouraged my girls to pace their interests so they could develop into their own authentic selves. Giving each child one activity allowed them the necessary time to live in the moment and truly focus on other important things, which helped form crucial values and mold their morals. Activities such as eating dinner as a family, playing with each other and having those special times as a family are all essential to developing healthy values.

An astonishing fact that blows me away is that 40% of families eat together only three or fewer times a week, with 10% never eating dinner together at all. Family meals nurture my family and provide us with a unified experience which connects each one of us with love and security. I feel connected with each one of my girls and because we have established a close relationship, I feel they know they can come to me with any life obstacles that come their way. I owe this to the consistent bonding that we have, and feel my relationship would not exist if my daughters were over booked.

In addition, time has allowed my girls to develop an imagination. Having time to create their own activities and to explore their inventive side inspires my girls and molds them into beautiful young ladies. A strong imagination does not make you impractical, it’s a wonderful tool in life that gives you unlimited opportunities! In fact, people who lack imagination are inclined to think negatively and to be unhappy.

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For Knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while Imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.”

-Albert Einstein

Extra time can also play against us as parents these days. Today, kids are not always choosing to play board games and go outside to play. They are glued to screens and are using the tech world for their enjoyment. Some kids may spend hours at a time staring at a screen, resulting in missing out on life. Although, technology can be a good thing. Not all screen time is bad, and it can actually be a great resource and building block in our children’s education. However, as with anything, moderation is key. One time, by choice, my girls decided to give up all electronics, and I was amazed at the difference in their attitudes! Since they had given up all of their gadgets, they were forced to nurture their imaginations, enabling them to find more happiness and contentment within themselves. This goes back to how important imagination is. I believe it is one of the foundations which creates happiness and peace within.

To sum it all up, not over-scheduling my family gave them time to use the gift of imagination and for them to experience life at a pace that is enjoyable. Every child and family is different, and finding your own groove as to what works for you is ultimately the best. What I do know, is time is extremely precious. Each time we share our moments together, we create precious memories we will all cherish for a lifetime!!

Megan

Ask Amy: How Do I Help My Child Feel Safe Despite the Recent Paris Attacks?

November 25, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

My child is asking lots of questions about the recent attacks in Paris. I’m not sure how to address it with her. Any suggestions?

Such events can leave all of us feeling sad, mad and scared and children may be particularly reactive, which makes them feel unsafe. When children are directly exposed to such events, they can become traumatized, and the emotional impact of trauma can last a very long time if it goes unnoticed. Some children who may not experience the trauma directly may be exposed to it nevertheless through sensationalized newscasts, and there is evidence to suggest that children can be just as traumatized by this kind of indirect contact as well. It is important that parents have information about the impact trauma has on children and how to help them understand and cope with these events.

First, when something traumatic occurs, it is important to give children an honest, yet age appropriate explanation of what happened. They will almost certainly hear about it through television, schoolmates, etc., so it is best that children receive information from their parents. Second, it is imperative to reassure children, that you will do everything you can to keep them safe. It is wise to limit children’s exposure to newscasts. I don’t mean shield them from it entirely, just limit. Children do not have the reasoning abilities or coping mechanisms to deal with what they might see or hear. It is important to permit children to talk about their feelings and reactions. Although such conversations can be painful, especially if we’re experiencing our own reactions to the trauma, they do help all of us in the long run. One of the worst things we can say to our children is “get over it,” or “you can’t talk about it.” Denial of the child’s reactions can lead to larger problems later. Give them the facts such as, “the bad guys are in jail.”

Sometimes traumatized children look quite “normal” on the surface after the event, and then experience post-traumatic symptoms, weeks, months, or even years later. Many children are quite resilient when dealing with traumatic events, but it is good for parents to know what to look for when their child might be struggling. Here are some signs that might indicate problems for your child: nervousness, agitation, difficulty concentrating, refusing to go to school, angers quickly, aggression, nightmares, won’t sleep alone, startles easily, reverts to younger-age behaviors, fears separation, personality changes. Although these signs could be related to other things, they might indicate your child has been traumatized. The sooner it is treated, the better the outcome is likely to be for the child.

There’s Always Hope,

Need more help? Parents often jokingly ask Amy, “Will you go home with me?” While she can’t do that, Amy is available to consult with parents through her consultation services. Click Here to learn more.

Chores: The Great Debate

October 26, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

I’m not going to lie. When the girls were growing up, there were some days it was just easier and faster for me to do their chores for them.

Have you ever been guilty of this? Most parents I know have. Some parents cave in to avoid confrontation while others don’t have the energy, patience or time to hold their children accountable. I also know plenty of parents that don’t want to inconvenience or impose on their already over scheduled kids.

None of these are good options because chores are, or should be, a necessary part of growing up.

Benefits:

Responsibility – holding children accountable for chores can increase their self-worth because they will feel good when they meet their obligations.

Life skills – cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of a pet and yard work are all skills they will need when they leave your home.

Hard work – life requires work… house work, school work, job work, etc. Chores provide the training ground for these essential life skills.

Here’s what you can do:

Model positive behaviors. If you whine about doing the laundry or mowing the yard, your children are more likely to complain about cleaning up their rooms.

Be patient. If you tell your son to put away his video games before dinnertime, then don’t complain if he hasn’t started the task by mid-afternoon. Give him the opportunity to complete the request without begging, pleading or nagging.

Compliment cooperation. Acknowledge when your child completes a task—even if the toys aren’t on the right shelves. You’ll get more cooperation if you refrain from criticism.

Start young and start small. A one-year-old can start age-appropriate chores, such as picking up books and blocks. And it’s okay for you to help them! Make it fun. “I’ll put my block in here, now it’s your turn. My book goes right here, yours goes next to mine.” By the time our children are six or seven, they should be able to do their chores unassisted.

What is the state of the parent-child relationship? Keep in mind that kids want to please but the connection has to be there. Also, they will be more apt to embrace your values regarding chores as well as your work ethic if the parent-child relationship is strong.

What if?

The ever-present question from parents is “What if they don’t do their chores? What consequence should I give them?” I don’t believe there always needs to be a consequence, especially if they are younger. Remember, you are training and teaching them—be positive and supportive and work alongside them until they are done. Yes, this does take more of your time, but if you can put in the hard work and training at the front end, the ultimate result will be that as they grow up, you should be able to say it’s time to do your chores and they will be able to do just that.

For older kiddos and teens, yes, a consequence might be in order. When they complete their chores then they can go out with friends. Say “feel free to go to Haley’s house when your chores are done.” This teaches him to govern himself and enables you to parent in a positive way. The more negative approach goes like this “No, you can’t go to Haley’s. I’ve told you a hundred times you have chores to do. You always wait until the last minute and you’ve known all along what you were supposed to be doing.” This kind of reaction doesn’t encourage cooperation.

Of this one thing I am certain: Your children will not thank you for insisting they do their chores while they still live in your home. Hopefully, they will thank you someday… after they are living on their own.

There’s Always Hope,

Ask Amy: Can I Learn to Connect to my Child?

October 23, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

Jeni writes…You always talk about the significance of the parent-child relationship and how important that connection is. I’m not sure I know how to really connect because I’m pretty sure I never experienced that from my parents. Could you talk about ways to connect and stay connected to my child?

Great question Jeni! You’re right, if you’ve never felt really connected to your parents, it’s highly unlikely that you would know how to do it. The good news is, you can learn!

Connection takes time. Your time. Your undivided attention is the best way to let your kids know how much you value them. Why not start by playing with your child if they are younger or just hanging out with them if they are older? These times of connection are not times to teach, lecture or nag. They are times for letting the child lead the play or conversation. It’s on their terms and their choosing. You’re just along for the ride doing and talking about things that are of interest to them, not you.

Here are some suggestions:

Peek a boo
Hide and Seek
I Spy
Chase
Go on a walk
Ride bikes
Cook
Wrestle
Tickle games
Sing and dance
Board games
Cards

Hopefully, these ideas will get you started. Thirty minutes, one time a week, is what I like to suggest for this kind of one-on-one time. No distractions from technology, siblings, spouses, friends, chores, etc.

Of course, it’s also important to connect in a quicker way each day. Take 5–10 minutes to check in and see how their day was, what they are feeling and if all is well in their world.

I can promise, if these times are done correctly, you will have a child that is more compliant, cooperative and happy.

I’d love to hear how this works for you, Jeni!

There’s Always Hope,

Principle Vs. Rule Based Parenting

September 24, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

Kris’ Story

You’d think I would have been embarrassed when teachers and parents began questioning the way I was raising my children. In their defense, my approach to parenting isn’t something that many families are used to, and hearing that our house had “no rules” must have come as quite a shock. Let me backtrack a bit, and tell you the story of how my twins left everyone astonished – what some people may have perceived as a “shameful” parenting moment was truly one of my proudest…

When my twins began 5th grade, their Sunday School teacher was going over the class rules and asked the students, “How many of you have rules to follow at home”? All of the students raised their hands…except my twins. The teacher, doubting my twins’ absence of raised hands, questioned them directly, “Do you have rules at home”? Quite innocently, they replied “No, we don’t have rules, we have principles.”

When it comes to the question of how to best raise our children,
I think it’s important that we first look at what we are trying to achieve in the long-term.

I think every parent would agree that the desired end result is that our children are able to make good choices, leading them on a path of happiness and success. My four beautiful children are truly the joy of my life, but the gift of motherhood can also be hard. And not just physically, but mentally as well. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I could help my kids become the best that they can be. I finally concluded that children either follow or break rules. However, principles become a way of life, defining who we are. I didn’t want to control my children…I wanted to guide them.

Rules vs. Principles

Rules: Cause you to act or behave by someone else’s definition of what’s right and wrong.
Externally restrains you through authority and discipline, usually resulting in defiance.

Principles: Allow you to differentiate between what is good and bad based on who you are.
Internally inspires you to do the right thing.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned as a parent is how to mentor my kids independently. What I mean by this is that each child is their own special and unique person. In order to cement core values within them, you have to approach children as an individual. Core values (principles) are the basics of “right and wrong” and come naturally when children are taught based on who they are. I let my values be their guide, and through example, our family’s principles have become second nature to all of my children.

If ever something “wrong” came to the surface, I let natural consequences be their punishment. For example, one of my daughters cheated on a test. She was so determined to get a good grade, and somewhere along the way she made a poor choice. Because of her strong moral values, the natural consequence of guilt was enough for her, and she corrected her mistake with honesty.

Also, learning how to fail was an important lesson for my children. Robert F. Kennedy once said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” You see, the only real failure in life is failing to TRY. Most kids are taught only about winning and success, but nothing about what leads to these. Teaching my kids that failure is part of the foundation to triumph, that it’s simply a required step in achieving their goals, has proved invaluable to their success as adults.

I wanted my children to “shoot for the stars”
and think nothing less of themselves if they fell short.

I’ve found that in life, limits only sustain people. I knew that limitless potential required my children to be confident in themselves, and I wanted to give them stepping stones of responsibility and control at a pace that fit each child’s developmental stage. So I gave my kids choices…choices that they could handle…choices that would foster independence and confidence. Giving them the power to choose for themselves, was like planting the seed of self- reliance and confidence.

Empowerment gives us such great satisfaction. It allows us to feel like we can conquer anything, and more importantly, that we (not others) have the power to define our lives.

Every parenting technique is different, as well as every child. In my experience, principle based parenting worked for my children. I never worried about them blindly “following the crowd,” because I taught my kids how to act/react based on their principles. I never dealt with typical teenage defiance because there were no rules to defy.

Doing what is best for you and your family is going to look different from mine, but ultimately when it comes to the question of how to best raise kids, the answer is love…hands down.

Kris Frodsham

The Battle For Power

August 29, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

When I hear a parent say “she argues with me about everything,” I immediately start to wonder is it Mom or Dad that is controlling and likes to hold the power. You see, I have yet to meet a power hungry kid without at least one power hungry parent.

We all need to feel powerful and have some control in our lives and our children are no exception. When we don’t give them any control, or even if they have control but don’t perceive they do, they begin to fight for it and power struggles ensue.

We usually begin to see kids fighting for power and independence around 2 years of age. This is healthy and normal and what they are supposed to be doing at this stage in their development. If we know and accept that and learn how to handle ourselves appropriately, then we can better help them manage themselves. The more we can give them developmentally appropriate ways to be in control and feel powerful, the less power struggles we are going to have.

Contrary to what some parents believe, when we argue with our children, we abdicate our role as parents and put our kids in control. This is way too much power for them and they can’t handle it emotionally. They become angry, resentful and overwhelmed and their behavior escalates. Parents feel the same emotions, and now everyone is in a bad place.

So, what’s the secret you say? You are. Yes, you. You hold the power!

Here’s what to do:

Just stop it. Bow out. Do not engage. Doesn’t that sound easy? In theory it is, however, practical application proves different.
Give them choices. Only give two options and make certain they are both acceptable with you.
Pick your battles. We know this but it’s so hard to pull off. Is it really necessary to engage about whether she should put on her coat? No. After you suggest it, and she resists, let it go. Trust that she will come back for the coat when she gets cold enough.
Make sure the parent-child relationship is solid. When they feel disconnected from us, they behave much worse. Take time to do a little nurturing if they are fighting for control.

If you can be mindful of these suggestions and implement them, I’ll just bet you will not encounter as many battles as you normally do. It’s sure worth a try!

There’s Always Hope,

Back to School – Tips for An Easy Transition!

July 29, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

It’s hard to believe it’s already that time of year again! The lazy, hazy days of summer are coming to an end and a new school year is dawning.

For moms and dads, this is often a happy time as they are weary after having the kids at home all summer. Most kids, however, are usually not happy about the end of their summer fun. The beginning of a new year can be a hard adjustment for some kiddos or a simple transition for others.

Getting back into a school routine or at least a more consistent one is tough, but can sure make a difference in the way your child adjusts to the new year. Soon, the nights of staying up a little later, sleeping in a bit longer and all manner of summer fun will be a thing of the past. Here a some ways to make the transition easier:

Consider easing back into your school routine by beginning about two to three weeks before school kicks off.
Gradually begin to tweak your bedtime schedule so that everyone is getting to bed earlier. Equally as important is waking up earlier in the mornings.
Teach them to be organized and make decisions about their clothes the night before. This translates to less stress in the mornings.
Give them opportunities to be independent and responsible. Set them up for success by giving them responsibilities at home so they can experience what it is like. For example, you might make it their responsibility to pack their backpacks and lunchbox.
If a new school is on the horizon this year, a peek inside might help allay any anxiety your child is having. Go to the building and let them see where they will be going each day.
Implement a daily homework routine. Whether that is immediately after school, after their snack and a little downtime, or even after dinner for teens, having a set time established helps everybody.
Prepare them for the separation from you, particularly if this is their first year to attend school or if you have an anxious child. Let them know what the morning drop off will look like. Be specific. “I’ll be able to walk you into your classroom the first week of school and after that, I’ll drop you off in the carpool line.”
We set the tone for the family. Get enough rest and get up early enough so that you aren’t rushed. Allow time for the unexpected.

Kids take their cues from us. If we are excited about the new year and happy with their teacher, chances are they will be too. If we’re anxious and worried that they might not be in the class with their best friend, worried that they might get lost trying to get to their classes on time with all of their materials or unhappy because they didn’t get the teacher we wanted, they will probably unhappy be too.

Hoping your family gets an A+ on this transition into another year of school!

Ask Amy: Screen Time

June 30, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

Q: How do I decide how much screen time is appropriate?

A: That varies from family to family. Just yesterday, I met with a Mom that gives her kids 30 minutes, 3 times a day – only because it’s summer. During the school year, it is 30 minutes after school and an hour a day on the weekends. I spoke with another family last week that allows it on the weekends only, and yet another family that doesn’t have any specific time constraints with their kiddos. As you can see, there are many different opinions here.

It depends on your child too. Some children can’t handle much before their behavior changes, while others can. Older kids and teens probably need more time than younger ones. I’m not a fan of electronics in their bedrooms, nor do I think it’s a good idea at bedtime. Electronics used as a babysitter is not advocated either.

When I speak of screen time, I’m including all of it…TV, computer, iPad, iPhone, gaming devices and the like. I encourage you to think about the adverse effects of being so immersed in the electronic world. Research is showing us that children with too much screen time are not as socially adept, have more behavioral problems, sleep difficulties, obesity and aggressive tendencies, to name a few. I’m seeing more and more kids that have difficulty with reciprocal conversation and the ability to make eye contact. They do not get to practice these important social skills when they are connected electronically. We know, for development, children need to and should be playing, being creative, experimenting and being relational. This is how they learn.

Media is part of our culture. Let’s help our kids make good decisions about it.