patience

Before we came to see Amy, I would describe my husband and I as frustrated, end-of-our rope parents. We were struggling with a child who took all of our attention and energy, and then some. I would say the problem persisted for close to a year. We would halfway attempt methods discussed in the multiple parenting books we had bought or checked out from the library, but we had no real success and were even more frustrated when nothing worked.

After multiple incidents at home and our daughter’s school, involving hitting and anger, I called Amy, who had been recommended to us by our daughter’s preschool teacher.

Our concerns were that we needed to ‘figure’ our daughter out before it was too late. We also wanted to be better parents.

In the beginning, the processed helped us by making us accountable, which meant that I had to report back to Amy about how things were going. This helped us tremendously! I felt like if we were spending the time and money, we needed to also put forth the effort. And after that, the process changed us. We finally had the tools we needed to be successful parents. We learned that our parenting style just didn’t work, and really clashed with our daughter’s personality. Honestly, I never would have thought that some of the things we were doing wrong were such a big deal until we started making just a couple of ‘small’ changes and saw the improvement!

Our daughter is now beginning to recognize her own feelings and learning how to express them. Her anger and physical aggression towards others almost always stems from frustration, so Amy gave us tools to help her express herself in more appropriate ways, and in turn, help her to make better decisions. I think the thing that was the most shocking to me was how quickly these changes affected our household- it is literally life-changing!

We still have rough days, but they are few and far between. I feel like now we can regain control of the day, as opposed to going from one frustration to another. I believe it has made us happier people over all, and has had a positive impact on our marriage as well. Two less frustrated people who finally feel like successful parents-which is what I believe all parents want at their core-to raise happy, healthy children who are able to cope with life and things that come their way.

Things are good. I feel like we enjoy being parents to our daughter now, and can give her the time and patience that she deserves. That might sound terrible, but when the days were full of frustration, I honestly didn’t want to be around her most of the time. It was a tremendous learning experience for all of us, since we all play a part in our children’s upbringing. Things in our family are very different…we have changed from reactive parents to active parents-which is what our daughter needs and deserves. Our daughter hasn’t had a bad day at school in almost two months-I can pick her up from school and not hold my breath while asking her teacher how the day went! Things are still going great!!

Brooke Mulford

You have the chance of a lifetime … the privilege to shape and mold your child’s character! You don’t have many years to do it either. Developing character is an ongoing endeavor and not something you can teach them about once. We have to be intentional in times like these, because our society makes it more and more difficult to instill these important qualities in our kids. With the internet, television and social media spewing all manner of inappropriateness, we are working against the societal grain.

We live in exciting times that point us to emerging research that confirms what I’ve always believed. When it comes to predicting our kids’ success in life, more important than intelligence is their character.

Can they self-regulate, handle disappointment and persevere?
Do they tend to have a more positive outlook on life, are they kind, caring, respectful and so on?

I happen to think that many parents today are way too focused on grades, performance, competition and scholarship possibilities more than they are in helping their kids become good humans with a strong moral compass. By the way, the spin-off of all that pressure is causing unnecessary anxiety in our children.

The optimal time to help our kids and teach them these all-important skills is during their preschool years, so start early. And, get this, during those early years it’s through play that they learn the best!

Having said that, let’s talk about what we can do to help them.

The first place to look is us. Are we modeling and living out fairness, compassion, respectfulness, honesty, love and patience or any other character quality that is important to you. Children first begin to learn about virtues from us, so we determine which traits our kids will see modeled.
It’s not enough for them to just see us live out the virtues we want them to espouse. We need to be positive and encouraging when we catch them exhibiting moral behavior. Bring it to their attention. Tell them you noticed how fair they played that board game. As we know, if we want repeat behavior, we give them the positive attention it deserves.
Teach them to serve others. Involve your family in community service activities. Churches offer many opportunities to serve and you could also show them what it’s like to be available for family and friends when they need a little help.
It’s advisable to let your sweet things struggle and even fail at times. Just think, they will get opportunities to practice managing frustrations and failures because we know that life is full of disappointments. This is one of the ways they become strong and resilient. Sell them on the idea that with effort they can improve. When they are struggling with grasping a new concept, say multiplication, encourage them as they practice until the light bulb comes on. Self-esteem and confidence is the result.
Identify their strengths and bring them to their attention. Let her know you noticed she extended forgiveness to someone that was really mean to her or that he was so patient with his annoying younger brother as he was learning a new game.

A thought to hold on to and be hopeful about … the fruits of your labor and diligence in modeling and teaching these skills will probably not be evidenced right away. You will likely see this much later and it might not be until your child is in adulthood. But don’t give up. Have faith that many kids eventually espouse the virtues your family values.

Wherever you are in the world, I’m just a phone call away! Over the last year, I have developed custom packages that walk you through the most critical issues parents deal with today. Grouping them into 4 stages has now made my one-on-one consulting time even more affordable than before! Click Here to read more about my Parenting Packages.

There’s Always Hope,

Family Spotlight: Brooke Mulford

Is Character Lost? How to Get it Back!