Respect

What Your Communication Says About Your Family

March 24, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

When I was growing up, my family did not really communicate. Did yours?

Oh, we talked, a little bit, but that’s different from really communicating.

Since good communication is at the foundation of any close parent-child relationship, why don’t we explore ways to be effective in that area?

Most often, when we think of communication, we think of talking. It might come as a surprise, but that’s actually the least important aspect of communicating— 7% the experts tell us. The next 23% has to do with the tone, emotion, volume and intonation in our voice. The last 70% is the largest and most significant portion of communication—the non-verbal. This is our facial expressions, eye contact, posture and gestures, which speak the loudest and contain the real truth.

Communication is connection. Healthy families share feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Our children want to be heard and understood, so how do we let them know we really hear them and convey we understand what they’re trying to tell us?

This kind of connection begins at birth. The first thing an infant uses is his senses. The way you talk to your infant as he coos at you, the way you look into his eyes and the way you smile at him are all ways that let him know you’re listening. Genuine listening is giving him your full attention. To be emotionally present means that we listen with our whole being…ears, eyes, face, body and heart. You are communicating to him how valuable he is to you. Isn’t it amazing that we can tell our infants how much we love them with our faces?

If we want our kids to share their hearts with us, they must feel secure in the parent-child relationship. We can build trust by really listening. To really listen means we don’t criticize, judge or shame. We simply listen and then reflect and validate what they said. Your child says he hates school and all of the work his teacher makes him do. A response might be “you seem pretty angry about what happened at school today.”

Does listening like this mean we agree with what is being said? Not necessarily. All it means is that I hear you and I understand. Being open-minded and sensitive to others thoughts, feelings and beliefs demonstrates we get it.

Being available, on their terms, is something many parents struggle with. We tend to want our kids to talk when it’s convenient for us. It doesn’t work that way, especially for teens.

When your children do confide in you, listen carefully and then offer them words that encourage and lift them up. “I know you will figure it out.”

What says to our kids we’re not listening? A lot, but I’ll just list a few: fiddling around with electronics, multitasking, watching TV, interrupting them while they are trying to tell us something, lecturing and nagging when they’re sharing with us, not making eye contact with them, acting bored or telling them to hurry up and get to the point, interrogating and putting them on the hot seat, asking questions and asking “why” are sure-fire ways to shut a kiddo down. Are you ever guilty of any of these?

Give some thought to your family’s communication style. Decide if there are things you need to change. If you desire a closeness and connectedness with your kids and if you want them to feel free to talk to you about matters large and small, encourage your family to communicate in ways that convey respect, love and acceptance.

There’s Always Hope,

Need more help? Parents often jokingly ask Amy, “Will you go home with me?” While she can’t do that, Amy is available to consult with parents through her consultation services. Click Here to learn more.

Family Spotlight: Shannon Harris

February 3, 2015 by Amy Allen Meyer

I don’t know what I don’t know. I keep learning this lesson over and over.

I love being a mom. However, it often feels like we are walking a tightrope between teaching grace and yet providing discipline, having a sense of humor and teaching respect, deciding when the small ‘stuff’ I actually ‘big’ stuff, and vice versa.

Two years ago we attended a parenting group with Amy. These few things have made a big impact for the way we parent:

•As a working mom, ‘mom guilt’ can occur daily. Amy taught us to give our kids at least 15 minutes of quality time per day. While this seems like a small amount of time, it gets all to easy to be ‘busy’ and miss this opportunity. So, whether I am coloring with the kids, having them help me make dinner, throwing a football with my son or reading books together…. I know it is critical to make the time.

•It is innate to ‘fix’ our babies. If they fall and skin their knee, get a bandaid. If they are hungry, feed them. If they are sad, cheer them up. While I still need to tend to their physical needs, Amy taught me that I don’t need to ‘fix’ their feelings. I need to teach them that I am ok when they are sad, or mad, or hurt. I need to validate what they are feeling. Let them sit in their feelings. I can say “I know you are mad at me because you didn’t get….” And just let them be mad until they want to work it through. I have started to see the fruit of this process now with my 7 year old. Recently, when he has been disrespectful to me, I have shared with him from my perspective, “I don’t like the way you spoke to me. It makes me sad when you talk to in that manner.” And then I am quiet. On his own, he has now gone off, only to come back 30 minutes later and apologize to me. This shows me he is taking time to process how I am feeling. Which means he is taking time to process his feelings.

•In our house, we have a saying “When you mess up, you fess up.” Often as the parent, your instinct is to not show weakness with your kids. But, Amy gave me permission to tell my kids that I am sorry. Or come back to them and explain ‘I didn’t like the way I handled the situation’ today, or ‘I have thought about what I said and I have changed my mind.’ A lot of times we excuse our behavior as parents with the rationale that ‘kids are resilient., or unaffected, or won’t remember.’ As resilient and forgiving as they are, they do remember. I love that we have BOTH Authority in our home AND show humility with our children. My kids are learning that the expectation is not to be perfect, the expectation is to OWN their choices and the consequences. This has to be taught by example.

•When we were on a family vacation, my daughter was coming down an elevator with my sister. The doors shut before my daughter got out. For 45 terrifying seconds, she was hysterical in the elevator alone. She seemed to be ok…just frightened…until about one month later when she wouldn’t let me out of her sight. Cried when I left her at school. Didn’t want to her dance recital or school concert. My natural inclination was to push her through so she (or I) wouldn’t miss out. I was coached to ‘let her heal.’ I needed to build her confidence and trust. Not put her in situations that caused anxiety. Pull back and meet her where she was at. And so we did. I had to keep the normal school and church routines, but soccer, playdates, dance, performances…I had to let them go. It took almost a year for her to fully regain her confidence and not have a ‘spirit of fear.’ But, now she is thriving: dance, playdates, rides the bus to school, skiing. I was so thankful to get guidance during this period, and have a plan to deal with her anxiety.

•Lastly, in working with Amy, you learn you have to stop comparing your parenting to other parents. You as a parent have to discern what is best for your kids. And it is valuable to have someone objective, who can know your parenting style and your issues, and give you the ‘words’ to say to your children. I feel empowered when a challenge comes up, but I have a plan on how to handle it. For example, when my kids: roll their eyes, use inappropriate language, have a disrespectful tone, have power struggles with friends, feel inferior in sports or academics, etc. I am equipped with ‘words’ and actions to handle these things. I can validate their feelings, discern if I need to step in or hold back, and be available to talk through the next step or consequences.

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All I Want Is R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

December 2, 2014 by Amy Allen Meyer

Respect means different things to different people. Since respect is not a concrete concept, it can be a bit of a challenge to teach.

Respect is how we show others we value them.

It’s our attitude or mindset toward others, what we believe about them and how we treat them. It can be about valuing others’ opinion, lifestyle, etc. whether they are the same as ours or not, and it can also be about treating others with kindness and holding them in high regard.

Then there’s self-respect.

How I see myself and the way I go about living. How about you? Were you a respectful kid? Did you feel respected as a child? How about as an adult? Are you pleased with the way you currently do life?

How to help your child learn about respect.

We can’t expect our children to respect us if we don’t respect them. We can’t even demand respect. Some parents tell me “she WILL respect me.” Almost daily I hear “she is so disrespectful.” The first thing I ask is “how are you treating her”? That, by the way, is not the most popular question I ask. It can strike a nerve. We’re the adults and it’s up to us to model what respect is. To expect our kids to respect us when we’re treating them with disrespect is absolutely wrong.
Next to treating our kids and spouse with respect is how we treat others. Remember, your kids are watching you because you are their role model.
- Do you rant and rave when somebody cuts you off in traffic or are you gracious and let them in?
- Do you treat waiters the same way you treat your banker?
- Are you kind to your housekeeper?
Let your child know you value her by listening to her thoughts and feelings. Be a family that requires respect. Tell your kids “in this family, when someone speaks to us, we respond. To ignore is rude and disrespectful.”
When you see someone treating others shabbily, bring that up in conversation with your children. Say “I noticed he was mean to her. What do you think about what he said”? Get them to think and dialogue about it with you.
Require good manners in your family. Please, thank you, yes ma’am, no sir, etc. We can start with these basics when they are toddlers.
Teaching our kids how to listen is another skill that conveys respect and is necessary. When we’re talking to him, we expect him to put down his game and listen. We must show him the same respect.

If your child is speaking to you in a disrespectful way, make sure that you don’t respond in kind. You can request that you would like for her to come up with a more respectful way to talk to you and that you will be ready to listen when she does.

The Golden Rule is the best example we can use to help our kids understand what respect means. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you or simply put, treat others the way you want to be treated. The ability to be able to put ourselves in another person’s shoes is called empathy. Begin to teach your child about this important concept.

Respect is a must if you desire strong and healthy relationships. The parent-child relationship suffers greatly if there is little or no respect. If it is your desire to have the kind of parent-child relationship that is built on mutual respect, I’m excited for you. The reason?

You will be blessed.

There’s Always Hope,